♪♫Money Makes the World Go Around♫♪

♪♫A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound, is all that makes the world go around♫♪ -Merci to Liza Minnelli and Joel Gray and the movie Cabaret for the lyrical title today.

It's hard to imagine a day when I won't have to struggle to make ends meet. There is a cost to dreaming big, being stubborn, and having immeasurable persistence. I chose a field of study I knew I'd love. This made me choose a college I couldn't afford (well, really it was two colleges I couldn't afford). Then I chose a division of that field that is pretty much the lowest paying of any of the areas in my field I could have gone into. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it all the same if I had to do it over again, and yet I realize that my choices have led me to an eternal financial struggle. I had scholarships and I worked three jobs during college, but when all is said and done I have a lot more debt than I had hoped I would leave school with. They all have crazy interest rates because they are private loans as well. So my monthly payments are already pretty insane. I keep looking at my statements and thinking how interesting it will be to try and make it all work in a year when the payments all increase.  I've also found myself in a position where I am stuck paying for all things I had expected to be splitting between two people. The whole idea of moving into my apartment was mostly driven by my former roommate who was ready to be on his own, and was financially able to pay rent, utilities, groceries etc. Me, being the, sometimes irresponsibly, trusting person I am when it comes to my friends went along with the idea. He didn't last long before he moved out, and left me holding all the bills. It's a struggle, but I manage... but money makes the world go around.

As a Music Therapist, there are many different avenues you can go down. There are several options for additional training in specialized areas of MT. There's BMGIM - Bonny Method of Guided Imagery in Music- there's some specialized Hospice training, and there's NMT - Neurological Music Therapy, among others. NMT is the more scientific side of music therapy. It's the piece that's most often reimbursed, and that's made the news so much recently in reference to Gabrielle Giffords and her recovery process from her nearly fatal head injury. There are training institutes for NMT twice a year in Colorado. I REALLY want to go to the next one which is coming up in October. It's a 4 day institute starting Thursday and going through Sunday in which you learn the basic theory and practice of NMT techniques, and at the end of the training you are qualified to use the NMT credential. It opens a lot of doors as far as job options goes. Many nursing home or hospital jobs want or require NMT training. I can just see many places where I'd like to implement some NMT techniques in my current position but I'm not comfortable doing so without more extensive knowledge on it. So what's the problem? Money makes the world go around. The four day institute costs $550.00 just to register. That doesn't cover travel, transportation, hotel accommodations, meals, or any extra materials aside from the primary manual. Flying is ridiculous, gas prices are even worse, and I have a car that definitely wouldn't do well on a road trip. I have relatives and friends who live in Colorado, but they are at least an hour and a half away from where the institute takes place. Many facilities will cover the cost of the registration fee and then you're just left with the cost of travel and sleeping accommodations. My supervisor isn't really sure if she will be able to offer me a "scholarship" for continued training/education because of all the budget cuts. This is tragic since that was specifically one of the questions I asked about when I interviewed for the job... whether there were provisions and financial support for continued training and education, and I was given a very solid absolutely yes. But money makes the world go around. Funding for caring for the elderly decreases, that means financial support for nursing homes decreases, which means budget cuts, which means hour reduction, benefit reduction, and no support for things like additional training.

It's great to have goals, it's great to have dreams, but dreams have a cost. Unfortunately the world is largely driven by cost. But, as I said in the beginning... I am stubborn and have immeasurable persistence, and if I have to give up groceries and air conditioning for the summer I am going to find a way to get myself to Colorado for this training institute because in the end I firmly believe it will be worth it. I don't think I'll ever see a day when I won't have to pinch pennies to make my expenditures be lesser than or break even to my income, but that doesn't mean I have to stop setting goals and finding creative ways to achieve them. Money makes the world go around, but so does the persistence to do all things necessary to reach your goals and dreams for yourself. I don't have money, but I do have work ethic, and some way or another I will find ways to accomplish all that I hope for in my life.

♪♫'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are♫♪

I'm not going to say I should try to write more consistently, because I've come to the realization that I'm just not a consistent blogger. I blog when there's something to say, or when I finally scrounge up the time to do so. Thus... it's been two months since my last post. Such is life, I guess.

The title for this post comes from the song Just the Way You Are  recorded by Bruno Mars... however, I am not too proud to admit that I only know it from the Glee version. So, thanks to Bruno Mars by way of the cast of Glee. 
This post is about music, or rather just artistic expression. Anyone who considers themselves to be an artist in any genre can probably relate. Then again, maybe not. I don't know how the rest of the population operates, I just know me. I am a musician, a singer, a dancer. I am fortunate enough to have found a career path that I absolutely LOVE, and I have found a job right out of college doing pretty much exactly what I was hoping to be doing.  But blessings sometimes have their price. My hours are awkward and sometimes inconsistent... I usually work 11:30-8, but with cuts to hours it's now closer to 11:30-7:30, sometimes it becomes 10:30-6:30, other days it's 11:00-7, sometimes even 12-8, and the rare occasions when I have normal day shift of 8:30-4:30.  I've been in dance most of my life, and my job doesn't really allow me to do that anymore as the classes tend to be weeknights before 8pm. The church choir I used to do rehearses Wednesday nights @7. The community chorale I was in for a while rehearses Thursdays @7. Add to that a recent decision I made to take a leave from the Sunday evening service I have been actively engaged in for 7 years, and I don't have a lot going on that is for me anymore.  Like I said earlier, I'm lucky. I'm a musician who gets to do music every single day. I sing every day. I play the guitar and the piano every day. I'm a music therapist, and I use music therapeutically every day. But I use the music I have to use to impact the lives of my patients.

Two weeks ago I went to the concert of the chorale that I desperately wanted to be in this semester. They were doing music by my favorite local composer. The concert was amazing. It was emotional and beautiful. It was a requiem that left me feeling sad and hopeful at the same time. I couldn't help but feel like the requiem was impacting me in the sense of feeling like all avenues of my own artistic expression have been closed off to me; have died. Then this past weekend I attended the senior voice recitals of two cohorts of mine from my first alma mater. They both sang beautifully and I very much enjoyed their performances. But again, I sat through it while experiencing this nagging feeling, that I should really be doing something with my own voice still.  I did not have the best college music experience in the world. I survived my lessons with a teacher that I didn't seem to work very well with at the time. I wanted to and almost did quit a few times. I hadn't done lessons much before, and I didn't really know how to control my voice, and how to work with it. I'd been told by almost all of my HS music teachers that I'd never make it, that I didn't have the ability to do anything in music. By the end of my senior year in college I had also undergone a personal attack from the campus ministry team about my song leading and my seemingly lacking connection to the music. Needless to say, I didn't have a whole lot of confidence in myself or in my abilities as a singer. I couldn't get past all the voices telling me I couldn't do it, and every time I sang I found the negatives, the mistakes, and the parts where I approached something badly, or wasn't supporting properly, or was even the slightest bit off pitch. In the semester of my senior recital I lost my voice for over 4 weeks. My recital hearing had to be postponed until only a week and a half before my recital. The hearing went poorly because I still couldn't vocally get through all of my pieces on my broken and struggling voice. I passed my recital. I made it through all of my songs. I survived, but it wasn't the great experience it should have been. After I graduated I continued taking lessons from my college voice teacher, and we talked out some of our issues with each other and found a really great balance with working together. I started to appreciate and understand more of what she was trying to get me to do, and she stopped telling me I wasn't trying and was obviously didn't care.

Fast forward to the present. It's been 3 years now since that graduation recital. 2 years since I've had any voice lessons. 1 year since I've done any difficult vocal repertoire in a choir. Last week I sat down at my keyboard and pulled out my recital repertoire. I warmed myself up and sang through the whole program. I was surprised at the sound I had after so much time away. It fell into place very easily, I remembered most of the songs. There have been several moments in the past year when I've been singing at church, rehearsing the psalm and I've started to sing and had to pause because, "is that really MY voice?" I don't know if my voice is changing (female voices tend to continue maturing well into their 30s), or if perhaps just my perspective is changing, and I'm finally allowing myself to really HEAR my own sound as opposed to the sound of my inner critics. Maybe it's because those people who told me I couldn't do it, are now and will forever be wrong. I did it. I'm doing it. I made it in spite of all of them and their lack of constructive feedback. Maybe it's because there's no pressure anymore. Whatever the case, I'm learning to like my sound for the first time in a long time. I'm learning that mistakes aren't the end of the world as long as you can recover from them and keep going. I'm growing in my confidence musically and just in general personally. But these last few weeks have really made me yearn for that artistic piece. I do music every day. There is a difference though in really working and exploring your voice, and in impersonating Elvis, Doris Day, and Johnny Cash. I get to sing every day, but my vocal range when I sing every day barely spans an octave and it's in the lowest register of my voice because that's where my patients need it to be to participate. I am really longing to explore this sound I have now, and see what I can do with it, and really just lose myself in some beautifully difficult repertoire again.

So I started thinking... I need to get back into lessons. I thought about finding a teacher in town here, and realized that the place I'd have to start were those HS teachers who told me I sucked 8 years ago when I was impressionable and needed support. Not an ideal. I've fallen out of touch with the teacher I worked with on audition materials for college and she lives a distance away now anyway. Then I decided I really wanted to be doing the caliber of music I should have been able to do my senior year if my voice would have allowed me to do it and I emailed my college voice professor. She agreed to work with me to find a lesson time that will fit into my awkward schedule, if I'm willing to be flexible. I'm hoping that this will prove to be a good experience. I'm going into it with a maturity and an understanding that I didn't have when I was an undergrad. I'm going into it with a new found confidence in myself and in my musical abilities. I'm going into it with the sole purpose of artistic expression and growth and no outside pressures. I jumping in realizing that there will be imperfections and mistakes and that's okay because I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be IN it. I'm ready to open myself up and just allow myself to be a part of the music, leaving behind the inner critic and just embracing the art of music. I'm really looking forward to doing lessons this summer. I am hopeful that it will be a wonderful experience for me, and one that may just allow me to keep my sanity by providing a much needed artistic outlet.

So the title. This song came up when I was shuffling songs on my iPod on my way home tonight. I stopped and thought to myself, you know what, I am amazing, just the way I am. I am at peace with myself and my abilities in the context of music really for the first time. I know I'm taking the title line somewhat out of context, but, it's just a really great feeling to be able to say that: I am amazing just the way I am.

♪♫Take my hand, Precious Lord, lead me home♫♪

The beginning of this week was fairly tragic. Over the weekend I received news that this wonderful 85 year old man I knew, whom I conversed with 3 mornings a week when he came to pick up my cans to recycle had died. This in and of itself wouldn't be too tragic... except that he didn't die from being 85 years old. He was run over by a skid loader while unloading his truck at the recycling center. The driver of the skid loader, I guess, failed to see the man or his 3/4 ton pickup truck behind him, and backed up, pinning the man between the skidloader and the bed of his pickup. He died at the scene. What a horrible way to go, especially for such a kind hearted and relatively fast paced 85 year old man. But Jack was called home to the Lord. May he rest in peace.

Got to work to see signs all over discouraging visitors to the 3rd floor (the floor I work on) because there were confirmed cases of Influenza B. Great. My work computer has also been called home to Jesus. It hasn't worked in the last week and a half. A fairly stable resident of mine had died over the weekend. Two more were actively dying. So Monday I sang to them bedside. Tuesday started with Jack's funeral. I agreed to sing Ave Maria (Schubert) since I knew the family and knew Jack. Hard song to sing in general, and then add on the fact that you are standing in front of the grieving family, with a full on view of the casket, and as a singer your thoughts go from... "how do I express this song well" to "Don't look at the crying wife, don't look at the family... don't look at the casket. Just get the song out." It was a very nice service. Then I got to work to find out my actively dying residents were still actively dying. So I got to sing bedside some more. Behaviors are high because residents can't leave the floor because of the flu, so they can't get to church off the unit. This is a problem for several residents. If one person gets agitated, the whole floor is agitated. One of my dying residents passed... Precious Lord, take their hand, lead them home.

I've sung the song, Precious Lord, Take My Hand, more than enough times this week. But, it's only Wednesday, and I work in a nursing home. This week has been hard.

Ok, done with the real but depressing blog post now.  Peace to my blog readers, hope you're all finding comfort for your own struggles this week.

♪♫Should auld acquaintaince be forgot and never brought to mind? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne.♫♪

Obviously the song line is from Auld Lang Syne a traditional Scottish folk song that's attributed to Robert Burns from way back in 1799.  It's New Year's Eve day, thus the reason for that choice. Thanks Robert Burns and thanks to whomever first decided.. "hey let's make this the theme song for the new year."

This year has been full of ups and downs professionally. Let's review:

-Finished my internship - Up
-Turned down a job offer in Rochester because the pay was unacceptable for a MT salary - Down/up
-Got an actual MT job on a dementia unit fairly close to home - Up
-Passed by Board Certification exam officially adding MT-BC to my credentials - Up
-Did not have ability to take dance classes due to new work schedule - Down
-Realized I am actually darn good at my job and I really love doing it - Up
-Bought a brand new, really nice, beautiful Larrivee Guitar - UP

Obviously there have been others, but these are the significant ones. It's nice to look back and see more memorable ups than downs. Here's to another year.

♪♫You'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile.♫♪

The title for this entry is from lyrics written by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons, known through a melody/song by Charlie Chaplin.

Why the smile? Well, I realize I actually have quite a bit to smile about. I have a good job in the field for which I attended college, I have a pretty nice apartment, two adorable little kittens (who are nuts but I love them anyway). Most importantly though is probably because I PASSED my CBMT exam and am now officially a CERTIFIED Music Therapist. But really, none of those are the reasons I'm smiling on this particular day, at this particular time. I'm branching out from talking about Music Therapy to share a different field with you today, as well as some thought processed brought on my experiencing it.

I was at a MAPA (Metropolitan Activity Professionals Association) Conference today. The second session of which was an in-service about Laughter Yoga. No, Really... Laughter Yoga. Basically there's scientific studies that have shown that the brain/body cannot really differentiate between a fake laugh and a real one. If you laugh long enough you experience the same effects regardless of weather you are really happy. Couple that with the fact that laughter is contagious and some people's fake laughs are really entertaining... add in a few silly or quirky exercises, and some yogic breathing and you've more or less got the start of Laughter Yoga. So, as I am with most new experiences I went into this second conference session pretty skeptical. Um... Laughter Yoga... yeah sure, you nutcase! (The irony about the fact that most people have this reaction to the term "music therapist" is not lost on me here, okay). Going in I had no real idea what to expect other than that I was probably going to have to at some point or another make a complete fool of myself, because that tends to happen at any kind of audience participatory session in a conference like this. Honestly that was pretty much the best 45 minutes ever. If you have not experienced Laughter Yoga, after today I will totally advocate that you should attempt to go to one of the free classes in the area. It starts with relaxation, and ends with relaxation. We had a five minute period of time towards the end where after we'd done all these "Laughter exercises" we sat in a circle and just laughed... uninhibited laughter with a group of people just sitting and making eye contact with each other. We ended with progressive muscle relaxation. Honestly right now I am both incredibly relaxed and so energized I feel like I could run a marathon (I should mention that I don't run... ever). If this is the result of Laughter Yoga... sign me up!

Naturally attending something like this had me thinking. There's a research statistic that states that Children laugh an average of 200-400 times per day. We've all seen kids break into giggles for no reason, just start laughing hysterically out of the blue. When did you last see an adult do that? In contrast Adults only laugh about 4 times a typical day... 15 at maximum. At what age do we lose the ability to have a great laugh for no reason? As adults we seem to stop giving ourselves permission to be happy, and to just laugh. All the stress, and crap we go through or have gone through just weighs us down and we'd rather scream or rant or cry or drink. We develop ways to alleviate stress that end up becoming new obligations... gotta get to the gym, find time to walk, try and afford that yoga class/pilates class/bowling league, whatever, which then add to stress because they cost money and use time we don't have. We no longer give ourselves permission to just laugh. We make excuses for it though... I don't have time to sit back and laugh with friends... my problems are too big to just ignore... I'm too depressed to laugh. WELL, all the more reason to do it! If depression is caused by an imbalance in dopamine and serotonin in the brain, and laughter is the quickest or most natural way to release dopamine and serotonin into the brain, then wouldn't it be more beneficial to laugh than sulk? Laughing for 15 minutes causes energizing effects and releases those chemicals. Laughing offers the ability to release stress, and release pent up emotions, it boosts your immune system. Sounds like pretty cheap therapy to me.

I have often looked at myself and wondered when I became this person; when I became this serious, skeptical adult. In general at some point I had to have been that child who laughed 200-400 times a day, right? Why then is it so hard to find something to be happy about? It's so easy to find things that are wrong, so shouldn't we then make an attempt to find simplicity in noticing the things that are right? Today my kittens greeted me by the door when I came home, rubbed on my legs and purred. Then, Mia proceeded to bite my foot. So I guess I could CHOOSE to either sulk the rest of the night because she bit me, or to pick her up and pet her and feel loved because she met me at the door and purred. Which really matters more at the end of the day: the one moment she bit me, or the many times she tried to cuddle with me? You can CHOOSE what you focus on, and you can CHOOSE your attitude and your approach to each situation. You can't choose your emotions but you can CHOOSE how you respond to your emotions. A smile or a laugh doesn't make the problems go away, but maybe it can give you a different perspective at least for a few moments in a sea of stress and troubles. I'm not saying people don't have a right to be sad I just hope we also remember that we have the right to be happy, and we all have all the tools we need to do so.

♪ Smile though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by, If you smile though your fear and sorrow; Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through for you. Light up your face with gladness. Hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near that's the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what's the use in crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile. ♪

"We can resolve to start all over make a new beginning..."

As a title for each blog post I will try and find lyrics that are applicable to whatever I'm choosing to share. The above lyric came from a Tracy Chapman song called "New Beginning." Music is such a huge piece of my life and career that I feel it's only fitting it play an important role in my blog about my life and career.

I've never had a "blog" before per-se. I've had personal online journals, and I have Tumblr account where I repost interesting research. My goal for this blog is to tell about my own growth as I perceive it happening. It occurred to me recently that I truly am a completely different person today than I was a year ago. There's the obvious: I have a great job with a steady, consistent paycheck; I live on my own; I do all the normal "adult" things: bills, groceries, pets, but besides the tangible things, I have more confidence. I'm more outgoing. I'm much happier. I no longer wonder if I can really do what I went to school for. I'm here, I'm doing it, and I am good at it. I'm comfortable complimenting myself. I can graciously accept compliments from others. I don't second guess myself as often, I don't tell myself I can't do things I haven't tried yet as much as I did before.

I can see in myself a maturity I didn't have before. I am more comfortable in my own skin. I'm learning to be proud of who I am, and to love myself. Every day I get to use the gifts I've been given to enrich the lives of my residents. I've held a hand and  hummed as a resident passed from our world to the next. I've seen a person who can't remember their husband or their daughter, sing along with every word of songs they've learned throughout their lives. Every day is different. What works today, may not work tomorrow, which means each day is an adventure and an opportunity to challenge myself and work to grow. I'm hoping I remain ready to face that challenge.

At the end of one's education in Music Therapy, after graduation, after the internship, we take a test. It's similar to the nursing boards, or the Praxis for educators. It's the CBMT exam (Certification Board for Music Therapists). Passing this test gives us credentials... MT-BC (Music Therapist-Board Certified). It's important. It's expensive. It's something I've been putting off since I completed my internship in April.
My moment of challenge to myself, and my opportunity for growth this week was to call and schedule my CBMT exam. So next Thursday I will either have that MT-BC, or I won't. I'm nervous, but also confident in my ability to do well and pass. I know that I know the information. I know I'm a capable therapist. But still... it's an expensive multiple choice test where every answer is right... but one is more right than the others. I finally just decided... If I don't schedule it now, I never will, and I want the credentials. I want the certificate. I want all my hard work to be legitimate and posted right there on my business card next to my name. The score doesn't matter as long as I pass. My internship supervisor likes to say, "What do you call a MT who passes their boards by one point?   -Board Certified." I don't have to do perfectly I just have to pass. Here's hoping it goes well, and next week I can officially call myself board-certified.