♪♫No more lives torn apart, and time would heal all hearts, and everyone would have a friend♫♪

A seasonally appropriate blog today. The song is My Grown Up Christmas List written by David Foster and Linda Thompson-Jenner. It has been recorded by several artists including Amy Grant and Kelly Clarkson. This is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I think it's an interesting concept and well put together. Here are the lyrics:

My Grown Up Christmas List
Do you remember me? I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies.
Well, I'm all grown-up now,and still need help somehow.
I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream.

So here's my lifelong wish, my grown-up christmas list,
Not for myself, but for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

As children we believed the grandest sight to see
Was something lovely wrapped beneath our tree.
Well heaven surely knows that packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.
There'd be

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

There are a few lines that always stand out to me: No more lives torn apart- I know many people who have had a rough year or a rough lifetime. That have had their lives completely torn to pieces. They persist but as much as we'd like it to time does not heal all the wounds of ailing souls. Everyone would have a friend - a real friend. That every person would have someone to confide in, to trust, and that the friendship was reciprocated. Not a "meantime" friendship or a friend of convenience but a real true friend.

I like to use this song to do songwriting this time of year using lyric substitution. It's really neat to hear what my residents put on their list. What's on your grown-up Christmas list?

To Men: Date a girl who reads...

I read this today and thought I'd share it. I didn't write it. There is no catchy song title to this post. Just simply what the author of this says... date a girl who reads.

A GIRL YOU SHOULD DATE

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

– Rosemarie Urquico –

♪♫I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace, and my wounds, they will heal♫♪

The lyrics are from The Voice by Celtic Woman. The song was recommended to me by a friend. They suggested it and I listened to it and found the song incredibly beautiful.  Bear with me because I am going to share the lyrics in their entirety now.

The Voice - Celtic Woman

I hear your voice on the wind, And I hear you call out my name
"Listen, my child," you say to me. "I am the voice of your history. 
Be not afraid, come follow me. Answer my call, and I'll set you free."

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain. 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain.
I am the voice that always is calling you.
I am the voice, I will remain.

I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone, 
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep throughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow.

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace,
Bring me your peace, and my wounds  they will heal.

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain, 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you, I am the voice.

I am the voice of the past that will always be, 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future, I am the voice, I am the voice. 

I would strongly recommend looking it up on youtube or iTunes. The vocals are incredible and the song is enchanting.   Aside from really liking this song, the lines I chose as the subject line just struck a particular chord with me. I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace and my wounds they will heal.  They say time heals all wounds, or at least lessens their influence on our lives. Something I am constantly working towards... healing past wounds and looking to the future.

I wore my Cruella costume with full make-up to work on Monday for Halloween. It's always entertaining to dress up in costume when you work on a memory care floor. I got some very odd comments ranging from "You look really weird" to "That is a beautiful red coat, you should wear it more often" and "You look just lovely today dear." Trust me if saw the pictures you'd be laughing at the last two. It made for a very interesting and humorous day.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. The cold I've been fighting off for the last month hit full force today though. I woke up with really bad chest congestion, runny nose, and sore throat. Been battling it with drugs, Emergen-C, and organic throat teas. Hoping it doesn't last long, though many people I know who've gotten sick have complained that the symptoms persist for several weeks. I can't afford to be sick for several weeks, especially if my voice gets involved. So far though I have some soreness and I sound congested, my singing voice has not been impacted. The plan is to take it easy for the weekend and try to use my voice only when necessary this week. I'm in a concert next Sunday and I need to be able to sing for that.

I spent today doing massive updates to my computer. As I write this my computer is running much more efficiently now and Safari is actually working well for the first time in a long while. I upgraded my operating system from OS 10.4 to OS 10.6 Snow Leopard. Then I did software updates that took 2 hours to install. Then I upgrade my iMovie from v.6 to v.11 for the DVD project that I am working on for my resident who passed last week. I am still planning to upgrade Garage band and iPhoto so that I have the full iLife 11. So far I have had no problems with it and everything is running well. Hopefully it continues to do so. Looking forward to working on the DVD project now. I just need to figure out how to actually work iMovie 11. It's quite a bit different from iMovie 6.

To bring it full circle, I must once again recommend that everyone go listen to the song The Voice by Celtic Woman. Beautiful.

♪♫Around the Corner and Under the Tree♫♪

I wish I could give a definite credit to the song line above. But alas I cannot. The history of the song is fairly unknown. There are children's folk songs and a few adapted versions throughout history, but the origin is said to have been sometime around World War I. The specific version I'm quoting here is from a resident of mine. She has been, hands down, my favorite resident since I began my job just over a year ago. She was an ideal client for music therapy. After a session she once told me that she loved when we brought her music because it gave her life purpose and meaning. She would often sit and sing this little song to herself or to anyone who would listen, "Around the Corner, and under the tree. The Gallant Major made love to me. I said nay nay, I said No No, but ever since I've been there once I always want to go, Around the corner..." She also once told me that she liked music so much because it was her, "special friend that never left [her] lonely." She demonstrated this on a daily basis. Rarely was she silent, and every time she spoke she sang. Her song ended tonight. She left our world and finally was released home to God.  I'm sure she's already acclimated herself to the choirs of angels and is singing along in their celestial harmonies by now. Moments like this are the most difficult parts of my job. Very rarely do people leave alive... most of the time we escort them out in a generic black bag. People leave footprints on our hearts. This resident has left some very deep ones on mine. Over the past week as she began to decline there were many 1:1 sessions/visits with her since when she was most uncomfortable and agitated, music was the only thing that could calm her down and help her sleep. Tonight I came back from my dinner break just in time to experience her releasing her final breath. It's probably only fitting that she is the first resident to pass while I'm present in the room.  Knowing it's coming does not really make it easier. I grieve for her, and I know that her absence will be felt in my music groups the rest of this week and in the foreseeable future. I am sad, though I know she is happier now she is free of this world and her struggles within it. I grieve for the loss. But, my reality is my residents are not going to leave the building alive. We are their final stop before their eternity. When I am no longer affected by the loss of those I serve, then I no longer belong in the profession. It's sad to think that I won't hear her voice in the halls chirping out the words "Around the Corner..." She lived a good and long life and will forever hold a special place in my heart... around the corner and under a tree.

Since I last wrote many things have happened. I finally bought myself a more reliable vehicle, though I had to add another loan payment. It's not new, it's used, and the payment is minor. So far that has proved to be a good decision as I have put 4000 miles on the vehicle since I purchased it in September and it is still going strong. Many of that 4000 miles put on in under a month came from a little road trip. I used my scholarship award from AMTA to go to the NMT training institute in Fort Collins, CO from October 6 through the 9th. I'm now a certified Neurologic Music Therapist in addition to my MT-BC.  Least favorite part about the trip: driving through Nebraska. Nebraska is boring. Favorite part: realizing how much I was already doing and then having the tools to analyze whether or not what I'm doing is effective and really understanding why I do those things and why they work. It was an excellent experience and I met some great contacts. I would love to do the graduate program at Colorado State University should I ever go back to school. I love the scientific theory behind all of it. Someday, maybe.

Halloween is coming up and I'm in full costume planning mode. The nice thing about the setting I work in, is that costumes are encouraged. I love an excuse to dress up and I always go all out.  This year I'm going as Cruella DeVil. I even found an online tutorial on how to do my makeup to look like Cartoon Cruella's. Hopefully it turns out as awesome as I want it to.

I'm working on taking it easy this week, as I seem to be coming down with something. My throat has been getting sore in the mid afternoon to evenings the past two days. Part of it is probably linked to the emotion of the passing of my above resident. But, I'm not taking chances. Been taking Vitamin C and drinking my Emergen-C. Thank you to my few but loyal readers for taking the time to read about my resident and to honor her memory with me simply by being present in this forum. Good night everyone.

♪♫I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine...♫♪

Recognize the lyrics? It's Natasha Bedingfield's Pocket Full of Sunshine. Got a few reasons for those lyrics this week. First of all, I was watching the movie Easy A on showtime the other morning, and now honestly every time something happy has come up this darn song springs into my head. I have a love/hate relationship with the song. In the movie the lead female gets this card in the mail from her grandma and it is a music card that plays the song and the first time she opens it she closes it right away and says something about it being a terrible song. Then there's this weekend montage that shows her gradually being more obsessed with the card until she singing into her hairbrush and dancing around the room performing along with the musical card, and then the card dies because she's played it so much. I found this song really irritating the first time I heard it. But honestly, it's kind of genius. It is SO INCREDIBLY CATCHY.  Then, I actually took the time to look up the words because I could only ever remember the first two lines and then some of the "take me away" business. It's actually got a good message. The whole, you can't break me down, and wanting to be taken away to a happier existence. This is totally surface level, I'm not going to analyze any deeper meaning. I'm sure there is some, or odd symbolism, or who knows what... but based on surface level 'these are the words that are there' type analysis, actually not a bad theme. Did I mention it was catchy? Yeah, the writers struck gold on that refrain.

Okay, so good things that happened this week. Sunday I went to a friend of mine's new house and picked up 7 large boxes full of liturgical preparation, planning, resource materials and music books, octavos, copies, hymnals etc. Merry Christmas to me! Who wouldn't love 7 large boxes full of music materials to sort through?! Granted I am going through it with a mutual friend of ours and she will hopefully be taking much of it, since I really don't have use for a lot of the things in there. But there are definitely things I do want and can use as well.

I was sitting in my living room last night when at 9:30pm I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. My cell phone just listed the number as "Ohio." Well, I thought to myself, "who do I know in Ohio who would call me at 9:30pm on a weeknight?" and came up empty. I don't know anyone in Ohio. So, I assumed it was wrong number and sent it to voice-mail only to be pleasantly surprised a few minutes later to have my voice-mail tone go off alerting me to new message. You know who apparently lives in Ohio? The president of AMTA, that's who. So naturally I called her back immediately and apologized for screening my calls. She was calling to inform me that I had been selected to receive the scholarship I had applied for at the end of June. It's a $500 scholarship to be used towards continued MT education credits. I want to attend the neurologic music therapy training in October and the registration fee is $520. So I applied to the scholarship figuring that if I got it, that could pay my training registration and then I'd just have to figure out how to get to Colorado and pay for the hotel. I wasn't too confident in my submission since I didn't find out about the scholarship until two days before the applications were due, and I had to write a 2 page scholarly proposal about what I wanted it for and how it would impact my practice as a MT and how I would use what I learned to benefit my clients etc etc. Apparently, my 2 am writing of a 2 page scholarship proposal was pretty good. Some days I really do thank God for giving me the gift of writing well efficiently. Without this very much God-given talent I really don't think I would have made it through HS or College. Amen. So, I hung up the phone and what was the first freaking thing that popped into my head after "YES!"? It was, "I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine..." I wish I was kidding, I'm not. That seriously is the second thing I thought.

Well, anyway, there have also been some downs this week and it's been nice to have this song running through my head because during the down times I really do want to just sing out, "Take me away, to better days. Take me away, A hiding place."

I think that's probably enough blogging for now. So, until next time may we all be able to survive the moments when we feel like yelling out "Take me away" and may we be able to cherish the moments when we have "a pocket full of sunshine."

♪♫I get by with a little help from my friend(s)♫♪

Same song as the last entry, but that's because this is sort of a "part 2" to that email.

Tuesday at work I decided that a good method for choosing my song was to perform both for my residents and let them vote after we'd done our normal music therapy groups for the evening. For those who don't know me, I work on a dementia unit in a nursing home. My residents all have some form of dementia/memory loss. Well, anyway, I wasn't really expecting much, but I sang both songs and one woman had a very clear vote for Broken. Naturally once one person chimed in several others followed suit. A few even gave reasons they liked that one better. Several just said they liked anything I sang which is always nice to hear. So, I made the decision to sing Broken for the audition. Thursday was my audition. I'm grateful to one close friend who was able to come, and bless her heart she tried to make the noise of a crowd to boost my audience response score.

I think the audition went well. I'm never sure though. Now begins the waiting game. The judges will inform us on July 10th who makes the semi-finals on the 14th.

I also have an update to the Money makes the world go around post. I found out about these scholarships through the professional association I belong to (American Music Therapy Association - AMTA). They give out 3 annually, for use towards continued education credits, each in the amount of $500. Well, luckily I found out about them and the deadline hadn't passed yet for this year. Friday night I stayed up late and wrote a scholarship application narrative explaining what I needed the money for and the potential impact it's use would have on my clients etc. I had to put on my intellectual writing brain again for the first time in quite a while, but I was able to come up with a well written and professional sounding proposal for use of the money. If I get the scholarship I will be able to pay for the NMT training institute in October. Praying for that to work out. If not, I will still find a way. I am going to do that institute if I have to beg family and friends to help me finance it.

♪♫Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song...♫♪

♪♫and I'll try not to sing out of key.♫♪

The title today is obviously The Beatles, With a Little Help from My Friends. I'm feeling quite melancholy at the current moment. The first stanza of this song has been running through my head most of the evening. I have an audition on Thursday. I'm auditioning for a local singing competition that is fairly karaoke based, but it's for the town festival-of-sorts. You have to do a song using an instrumental track that may or may not include back up vocals. You have to have it memorized. You are judged on: Vocal skills(pitch, breath control, enunciation, tone, etc), Presentation (eye contact, expression, attire, microphone technique), Audience response (using a decibel meter to gauge the response level), and then Judges overall impression. They videotape the auditions and the judges watch the videos rather than judging in person. The auditions are held at a local bar on Karaoke night but you are required to bring your own track. A couple of weeks ago during some weird lapse in judgment I registered myself to compete. I hate karaoke and so this is not generally something I would do. Anyway, I've been going through the instrumental or back up tracks that I have for songs and I've narrowed my choices down to two songs. I would really like to actually sing them to some people and get opinions on which one I should do, as I really have no clue which one sounds better or is likely to get a better audience response. I have a feeling to get a good audience response I'd probably have to bring an audience. The problem is I don't have many friends in town, and don't think my out of town friends would care to drive down to sit in a bar for an hour and listen to good and bad karaoke auditions. I need to sing the two songs to people to see which is better, but I don't have anyone to try them on.

So I feel very stuck. I honestly don't know which song is better... and I don't have anyone to ask. My cats really aren't much help. I suppose I could bring both songs to my voice lesson on Wednesday, but that's not really the kind of singing I want to focus on in those lessons. I sing every day, you'd think I could make a decision on a song that fits best in my voice. But I'm my own worst critic.

The two songs are Broken in the style of Lindsey Haun, or Low in the style of Kelly Clarkson. They are two of my favorite songs. Broken feels like the verses sit lower in my range, but the refrain rings really nice. Low is comfortably in my range but doesn't have the same power in the message that Broken has.  I know it's more about which sounds better, but I honestly don't know, I can't tell when singing to myself. I need someone who can listen and give me ideas and constructive feedback. But tonight I don't seem to have that person. How does one get by with help from their friends, if they aren't able to get ahold of anyone? Maybe I'll take them to work and have a mock audition with my residents and they can help me choose a song. How do I make that a therapeutic intervention...

♪♫Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, and I'll try not to sing out of key.♫♪

♪♫Money Makes the World Go Around♫♪

♪♫A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound, is all that makes the world go around♫♪ -Merci to Liza Minnelli and Joel Gray and the movie Cabaret for the lyrical title today.

It's hard to imagine a day when I won't have to struggle to make ends meet. There is a cost to dreaming big, being stubborn, and having immeasurable persistence. I chose a field of study I knew I'd love. This made me choose a college I couldn't afford (well, really it was two colleges I couldn't afford). Then I chose a division of that field that is pretty much the lowest paying of any of the areas in my field I could have gone into. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it all the same if I had to do it over again, and yet I realize that my choices have led me to an eternal financial struggle. I had scholarships and I worked three jobs during college, but when all is said and done I have a lot more debt than I had hoped I would leave school with. They all have crazy interest rates because they are private loans as well. So my monthly payments are already pretty insane. I keep looking at my statements and thinking how interesting it will be to try and make it all work in a year when the payments all increase.  I've also found myself in a position where I am stuck paying for all things I had expected to be splitting between two people. The whole idea of moving into my apartment was mostly driven by my former roommate who was ready to be on his own, and was financially able to pay rent, utilities, groceries etc. Me, being the, sometimes irresponsibly, trusting person I am when it comes to my friends went along with the idea. He didn't last long before he moved out, and left me holding all the bills. It's a struggle, but I manage... but money makes the world go around.

As a Music Therapist, there are many different avenues you can go down. There are several options for additional training in specialized areas of MT. There's BMGIM - Bonny Method of Guided Imagery in Music- there's some specialized Hospice training, and there's NMT - Neurological Music Therapy, among others. NMT is the more scientific side of music therapy. It's the piece that's most often reimbursed, and that's made the news so much recently in reference to Gabrielle Giffords and her recovery process from her nearly fatal head injury. There are training institutes for NMT twice a year in Colorado. I REALLY want to go to the next one which is coming up in October. It's a 4 day institute starting Thursday and going through Sunday in which you learn the basic theory and practice of NMT techniques, and at the end of the training you are qualified to use the NMT credential. It opens a lot of doors as far as job options goes. Many nursing home or hospital jobs want or require NMT training. I can just see many places where I'd like to implement some NMT techniques in my current position but I'm not comfortable doing so without more extensive knowledge on it. So what's the problem? Money makes the world go around. The four day institute costs $550.00 just to register. That doesn't cover travel, transportation, hotel accommodations, meals, or any extra materials aside from the primary manual. Flying is ridiculous, gas prices are even worse, and I have a car that definitely wouldn't do well on a road trip. I have relatives and friends who live in Colorado, but they are at least an hour and a half away from where the institute takes place. Many facilities will cover the cost of the registration fee and then you're just left with the cost of travel and sleeping accommodations. My supervisor isn't really sure if she will be able to offer me a "scholarship" for continued training/education because of all the budget cuts. This is tragic since that was specifically one of the questions I asked about when I interviewed for the job... whether there were provisions and financial support for continued training and education, and I was given a very solid absolutely yes. But money makes the world go around. Funding for caring for the elderly decreases, that means financial support for nursing homes decreases, which means budget cuts, which means hour reduction, benefit reduction, and no support for things like additional training.

It's great to have goals, it's great to have dreams, but dreams have a cost. Unfortunately the world is largely driven by cost. But, as I said in the beginning... I am stubborn and have immeasurable persistence, and if I have to give up groceries and air conditioning for the summer I am going to find a way to get myself to Colorado for this training institute because in the end I firmly believe it will be worth it. I don't think I'll ever see a day when I won't have to pinch pennies to make my expenditures be lesser than or break even to my income, but that doesn't mean I have to stop setting goals and finding creative ways to achieve them. Money makes the world go around, but so does the persistence to do all things necessary to reach your goals and dreams for yourself. I don't have money, but I do have work ethic, and some way or another I will find ways to accomplish all that I hope for in my life.

♪♫'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are♫♪

I'm not going to say I should try to write more consistently, because I've come to the realization that I'm just not a consistent blogger. I blog when there's something to say, or when I finally scrounge up the time to do so. Thus... it's been two months since my last post. Such is life, I guess.

The title for this post comes from the song Just the Way You Are  recorded by Bruno Mars... however, I am not too proud to admit that I only know it from the Glee version. So, thanks to Bruno Mars by way of the cast of Glee. 
This post is about music, or rather just artistic expression. Anyone who considers themselves to be an artist in any genre can probably relate. Then again, maybe not. I don't know how the rest of the population operates, I just know me. I am a musician, a singer, a dancer. I am fortunate enough to have found a career path that I absolutely LOVE, and I have found a job right out of college doing pretty much exactly what I was hoping to be doing.  But blessings sometimes have their price. My hours are awkward and sometimes inconsistent... I usually work 11:30-8, but with cuts to hours it's now closer to 11:30-7:30, sometimes it becomes 10:30-6:30, other days it's 11:00-7, sometimes even 12-8, and the rare occasions when I have normal day shift of 8:30-4:30.  I've been in dance most of my life, and my job doesn't really allow me to do that anymore as the classes tend to be weeknights before 8pm. The church choir I used to do rehearses Wednesday nights @7. The community chorale I was in for a while rehearses Thursdays @7. Add to that a recent decision I made to take a leave from the Sunday evening service I have been actively engaged in for 7 years, and I don't have a lot going on that is for me anymore.  Like I said earlier, I'm lucky. I'm a musician who gets to do music every single day. I sing every day. I play the guitar and the piano every day. I'm a music therapist, and I use music therapeutically every day. But I use the music I have to use to impact the lives of my patients.

Two weeks ago I went to the concert of the chorale that I desperately wanted to be in this semester. They were doing music by my favorite local composer. The concert was amazing. It was emotional and beautiful. It was a requiem that left me feeling sad and hopeful at the same time. I couldn't help but feel like the requiem was impacting me in the sense of feeling like all avenues of my own artistic expression have been closed off to me; have died. Then this past weekend I attended the senior voice recitals of two cohorts of mine from my first alma mater. They both sang beautifully and I very much enjoyed their performances. But again, I sat through it while experiencing this nagging feeling, that I should really be doing something with my own voice still.  I did not have the best college music experience in the world. I survived my lessons with a teacher that I didn't seem to work very well with at the time. I wanted to and almost did quit a few times. I hadn't done lessons much before, and I didn't really know how to control my voice, and how to work with it. I'd been told by almost all of my HS music teachers that I'd never make it, that I didn't have the ability to do anything in music. By the end of my senior year in college I had also undergone a personal attack from the campus ministry team about my song leading and my seemingly lacking connection to the music. Needless to say, I didn't have a whole lot of confidence in myself or in my abilities as a singer. I couldn't get past all the voices telling me I couldn't do it, and every time I sang I found the negatives, the mistakes, and the parts where I approached something badly, or wasn't supporting properly, or was even the slightest bit off pitch. In the semester of my senior recital I lost my voice for over 4 weeks. My recital hearing had to be postponed until only a week and a half before my recital. The hearing went poorly because I still couldn't vocally get through all of my pieces on my broken and struggling voice. I passed my recital. I made it through all of my songs. I survived, but it wasn't the great experience it should have been. After I graduated I continued taking lessons from my college voice teacher, and we talked out some of our issues with each other and found a really great balance with working together. I started to appreciate and understand more of what she was trying to get me to do, and she stopped telling me I wasn't trying and was obviously didn't care.

Fast forward to the present. It's been 3 years now since that graduation recital. 2 years since I've had any voice lessons. 1 year since I've done any difficult vocal repertoire in a choir. Last week I sat down at my keyboard and pulled out my recital repertoire. I warmed myself up and sang through the whole program. I was surprised at the sound I had after so much time away. It fell into place very easily, I remembered most of the songs. There have been several moments in the past year when I've been singing at church, rehearsing the psalm and I've started to sing and had to pause because, "is that really MY voice?" I don't know if my voice is changing (female voices tend to continue maturing well into their 30s), or if perhaps just my perspective is changing, and I'm finally allowing myself to really HEAR my own sound as opposed to the sound of my inner critics. Maybe it's because those people who told me I couldn't do it, are now and will forever be wrong. I did it. I'm doing it. I made it in spite of all of them and their lack of constructive feedback. Maybe it's because there's no pressure anymore. Whatever the case, I'm learning to like my sound for the first time in a long time. I'm learning that mistakes aren't the end of the world as long as you can recover from them and keep going. I'm growing in my confidence musically and just in general personally. But these last few weeks have really made me yearn for that artistic piece. I do music every day. There is a difference though in really working and exploring your voice, and in impersonating Elvis, Doris Day, and Johnny Cash. I get to sing every day, but my vocal range when I sing every day barely spans an octave and it's in the lowest register of my voice because that's where my patients need it to be to participate. I am really longing to explore this sound I have now, and see what I can do with it, and really just lose myself in some beautifully difficult repertoire again.

So I started thinking... I need to get back into lessons. I thought about finding a teacher in town here, and realized that the place I'd have to start were those HS teachers who told me I sucked 8 years ago when I was impressionable and needed support. Not an ideal. I've fallen out of touch with the teacher I worked with on audition materials for college and she lives a distance away now anyway. Then I decided I really wanted to be doing the caliber of music I should have been able to do my senior year if my voice would have allowed me to do it and I emailed my college voice professor. She agreed to work with me to find a lesson time that will fit into my awkward schedule, if I'm willing to be flexible. I'm hoping that this will prove to be a good experience. I'm going into it with a maturity and an understanding that I didn't have when I was an undergrad. I'm going into it with a new found confidence in myself and in my musical abilities. I'm going into it with the sole purpose of artistic expression and growth and no outside pressures. I jumping in realizing that there will be imperfections and mistakes and that's okay because I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be IN it. I'm ready to open myself up and just allow myself to be a part of the music, leaving behind the inner critic and just embracing the art of music. I'm really looking forward to doing lessons this summer. I am hopeful that it will be a wonderful experience for me, and one that may just allow me to keep my sanity by providing a much needed artistic outlet.

So the title. This song came up when I was shuffling songs on my iPod on my way home tonight. I stopped and thought to myself, you know what, I am amazing, just the way I am. I am at peace with myself and my abilities in the context of music really for the first time. I know I'm taking the title line somewhat out of context, but, it's just a really great feeling to be able to say that: I am amazing just the way I am.

♪♫Take my hand, Precious Lord, lead me home♫♪

The beginning of this week was fairly tragic. Over the weekend I received news that this wonderful 85 year old man I knew, whom I conversed with 3 mornings a week when he came to pick up my cans to recycle had died. This in and of itself wouldn't be too tragic... except that he didn't die from being 85 years old. He was run over by a skid loader while unloading his truck at the recycling center. The driver of the skid loader, I guess, failed to see the man or his 3/4 ton pickup truck behind him, and backed up, pinning the man between the skidloader and the bed of his pickup. He died at the scene. What a horrible way to go, especially for such a kind hearted and relatively fast paced 85 year old man. But Jack was called home to the Lord. May he rest in peace.

Got to work to see signs all over discouraging visitors to the 3rd floor (the floor I work on) because there were confirmed cases of Influenza B. Great. My work computer has also been called home to Jesus. It hasn't worked in the last week and a half. A fairly stable resident of mine had died over the weekend. Two more were actively dying. So Monday I sang to them bedside. Tuesday started with Jack's funeral. I agreed to sing Ave Maria (Schubert) since I knew the family and knew Jack. Hard song to sing in general, and then add on the fact that you are standing in front of the grieving family, with a full on view of the casket, and as a singer your thoughts go from... "how do I express this song well" to "Don't look at the crying wife, don't look at the family... don't look at the casket. Just get the song out." It was a very nice service. Then I got to work to find out my actively dying residents were still actively dying. So I got to sing bedside some more. Behaviors are high because residents can't leave the floor because of the flu, so they can't get to church off the unit. This is a problem for several residents. If one person gets agitated, the whole floor is agitated. One of my dying residents passed... Precious Lord, take their hand, lead them home.

I've sung the song, Precious Lord, Take My Hand, more than enough times this week. But, it's only Wednesday, and I work in a nursing home. This week has been hard.

Ok, done with the real but depressing blog post now.  Peace to my blog readers, hope you're all finding comfort for your own struggles this week.