♪♫It's a long enough life that we're living, why walk when you can fly?♫♪

The lyrics are from a song called Why Walk When You Can Fly which many people know from the Mary Chapin Carpenter Version... I however first heard it on a Tami Gunden recording, so that's how I hear it in my head.

"In this world there's a whole lot of trouble baby, In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble but a whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving, Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living, Why Walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow, In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow and a whole lot of ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing, wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living, Why walk when you can fly."

This blog is a little bit of a rant. I am a Music Therapist. I am not a babysitter. I am not a performer. I am not the "music lady" who "sings for them every night." I am a Music Therapist. I am not a nurse. I cannot toilet, dress, or bathe people. I cannot get them out of bed in many cases. Therefore I rely on others who are nurses and aides to do those things. I try and make my needs clear and ask for cooperation. I individually approach each NAR. I print off lists of those I need if it's a change in their typical up/sleeping schedule. I ask nicely. I give advanced notice. I communicate and they answer, and agree to help, and then it's like it never happened. Example: Sensory group. I have a group of five residents who I have been trying to do a sensory group with at least once a month (preferable more but I'm realistic in my expectations.) I printed off a list of the names of those I needed, the exact time I would need them up and ready to go, and the exact time the group would be done. I took the list to each nurse. I gave the list to the nurse manager. I gave the list to each NAR and specifically talked to them and thanked them in advance for their cooperation and assistance. They all nodded and agreed and said they'd leave the people up after dinner, or in the case of individuals with tube feeding, get them up in time for the group. Then when I went to gather the five people for my group, how many were actually up and ready to go?  Many of you might say - "sounds like you were thorough, I bet you got all five."  If that was your thought you aren't even close. Of the five I needed, I was able to actually gather ONE. I don't know what else I can do to communicate my point. This is a frequent occurrence. I've lately started to feel like I'm developing a defeatist attitude, 'why bother scheduling specialized groups, the residents I need won't get to them anyway.' I am walking instead of flying.

I have become quite jaded as a result of my current job setting. For quite some time now I have not felt as if I am working at my full potential. I have felt stifled by a lack of cooperation and support from other staff members. I have had nurses bring me someone who is acting up/yelling/biting/hitting/spitting when I am in the middle of a group with 15 actively participating residents, and put them right in the middle of my group. Already upset this is usually overstimulating for someone with aggressive behaviors r/t dementia. I go from a very successful group, to a group I have no control over, to the point where the group becomes about me attempting to keep people from hurting each other rather than being able to actually provide MT services. I will be doing a group, using the piano and leading and staff will come in the room and start talking to each other in the middle of my session over the top of me. Then when I ask them to take their conversation elsewhere they have actually replied with, "Oh were you playing for them?"  No I frequently do my practicing at this volume setting in a room full of people.

I recently learned of a job opening at a facility within the same company as the one I did my internship. The facility has a much higher reputation for quality than my current place. I didn't even hesitate after I heard about it before updating my resume and writing a cover letter. The job hadn't even officially posted yet, and I had already sent an inquiry to the head of the department. The hours are the same as my current position (not ideal but bearable still), it's still with dementia (which I really do love actually), but it's a little further away. I can deal with distance in exchange for job satisfaction.  I could stick it out in my current location and just wish it would get better. Wishing for more compassionate staff, a greater level of caring. I could continue dredging it out... meandering on my way, just waiting for things to change so I could be proud of the job I have. There are a lot of negatives in life. But I can't wish for change, I have to make it happen. I have to choose to take control, give myself permission to jump and hope I can fly. I have an interview on Thursday. If it goes well, I could be looking at a whole new perspective with the cooperation and support to really live up to my potential as a MT. I could be looking at the possibility of diving into a new position with all new staff and residents very soon.  I am simultaneously nervous/scared and hopeful all at once.

"In this world there's a whole lot of golden, in this world there's a whole lot of plain
In this world you've a soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon, rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given, why walk when you can fly?"

This is me aiming for flight. I don't want to just walk... just get by. I want to fly, I want to be proud and satisfied with what I am doing and where I'm doing it. We only get this one life... why walk when you can fly?