♪♫Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end♫♪

The lyrics are Closing Time performed by Semisonic. Really aside from the line used for the title the song doesn't apply at all. But, it's the first song lyric that came to mind when I started writing this post.

Part 1: The Offer - I interviewed for a new job last Thursday. My interview was at 10:30am and went until about 11:30. They had two others interviewing immediately after me. We ended up having some really great conversation and the interview was actually fun which is awesome. The over-all energy and attitude was really supportive and encouraging. My "tour" of the building was cut very short... as in: here's a part of the building, and the other part is over there, and we have another interview so you'll hear from us sometime next week. They didn't even ask me to play the guitar or piano or anything... I guess they assume I can do that if I've been employed as a music therapist in an equivalent position for two years. After my interview I had to go to work and while I was doing a program I missed a phone call. The phone call came in at 2:15 and was the HR director at the facility I'd interviewed at. The message was super vague, "I just wanted to discuss the interview this morning. I'm only in the office until 3, and then I'm off until Tuesday."  Well, naturally I got the message at 3:30, and completely missed the opportunity to call her back. I finally talked to the HR person yesterday about 3:00 in the afternoon. She said she'd been calling to formally offer me the position.  That means I set a new record for myself by going from an interview to a job offer in just 3 hours. They didn't even contact my references. Apparently I made a really good impression and had exactly the qualifications they wanted and the experience to back it up. The details are still a little up in the air. They haven't finalized the dates for June orientation yet, so I would either start orientation June 11th/12th or the 18th/19th. Since either way that's coming up pretty quickly, I figured the most professional thing to do was to was to tell my direct supervisor/activity director that I would be leaving and I'd give her the official letter of resignation as soon as I knew the details.

Part 2: Resignation - So, I approached my supervisor at the end of the normal work day after most of the other RT staff had left or were in the process of leaving. I explained I had been offered a new position and was going to accept it, and that I wasn't sure whether my final day would be the 8th or the 14th, and it depended on my orientation schedule. I thanked her for the opportunity of working there for the past two years. I also said that I'd prefer to tell the other RT/MT staff myself, once I knew when my final day would be later this week. She basically didn't react at all... then said something along the lines of "Well, you'll be missed, but you have to do what is best for you." Then a bunch of things happened that seemed really unprofessional and I wasn't able to personally talk to anyway about it before it was announced to everyone by someone else. It made for a really awkward week, and some really mean-spirited comments from different staff members that were very hurtful.
If anything this has shown me it was time to move on. I'm making the right decision. At least if nothing else, I am moving onto a facility where I am at least respected and wanted as a member of the team. I'm nervous about making the transition and having to learn a whole new group of residents' names and backgrounds. I'm sad to be leaving some of my coworkers and many of my residents behind. But, overall I am still happy and I am hopeful this facility will be a better fit for me.

June 1st is my two year anniversary at my current position. When I started the job it was exactly what I wanted. Full-Time, Music Therapy focussed, dementia unit... but throughout the two years it has morphed into something completely different. It has become largely behavior focussed and feels more like geri-psych than dementia. There is no communication on the floor between different departments and different staff members, and there is a general lack of compassion, and as hard as I've tried... I can't care enough for everyone. So, this beginning comes to an end, and in mid June I commence on a new beginning. God willing it will prove to be a good decision.

♪♫It's a long enough life that we're living, why walk when you can fly?♫♪

The lyrics are from a song called Why Walk When You Can Fly which many people know from the Mary Chapin Carpenter Version... I however first heard it on a Tami Gunden recording, so that's how I hear it in my head.

"In this world there's a whole lot of trouble baby, In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble but a whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving, Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living, Why Walk when you can fly?

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow, In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow and a whole lot of ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing, wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living, Why walk when you can fly."

This blog is a little bit of a rant. I am a Music Therapist. I am not a babysitter. I am not a performer. I am not the "music lady" who "sings for them every night." I am a Music Therapist. I am not a nurse. I cannot toilet, dress, or bathe people. I cannot get them out of bed in many cases. Therefore I rely on others who are nurses and aides to do those things. I try and make my needs clear and ask for cooperation. I individually approach each NAR. I print off lists of those I need if it's a change in their typical up/sleeping schedule. I ask nicely. I give advanced notice. I communicate and they answer, and agree to help, and then it's like it never happened. Example: Sensory group. I have a group of five residents who I have been trying to do a sensory group with at least once a month (preferable more but I'm realistic in my expectations.) I printed off a list of the names of those I needed, the exact time I would need them up and ready to go, and the exact time the group would be done. I took the list to each nurse. I gave the list to the nurse manager. I gave the list to each NAR and specifically talked to them and thanked them in advance for their cooperation and assistance. They all nodded and agreed and said they'd leave the people up after dinner, or in the case of individuals with tube feeding, get them up in time for the group. Then when I went to gather the five people for my group, how many were actually up and ready to go?  Many of you might say - "sounds like you were thorough, I bet you got all five."  If that was your thought you aren't even close. Of the five I needed, I was able to actually gather ONE. I don't know what else I can do to communicate my point. This is a frequent occurrence. I've lately started to feel like I'm developing a defeatist attitude, 'why bother scheduling specialized groups, the residents I need won't get to them anyway.' I am walking instead of flying.

I have become quite jaded as a result of my current job setting. For quite some time now I have not felt as if I am working at my full potential. I have felt stifled by a lack of cooperation and support from other staff members. I have had nurses bring me someone who is acting up/yelling/biting/hitting/spitting when I am in the middle of a group with 15 actively participating residents, and put them right in the middle of my group. Already upset this is usually overstimulating for someone with aggressive behaviors r/t dementia. I go from a very successful group, to a group I have no control over, to the point where the group becomes about me attempting to keep people from hurting each other rather than being able to actually provide MT services. I will be doing a group, using the piano and leading and staff will come in the room and start talking to each other in the middle of my session over the top of me. Then when I ask them to take their conversation elsewhere they have actually replied with, "Oh were you playing for them?"  No I frequently do my practicing at this volume setting in a room full of people.

I recently learned of a job opening at a facility within the same company as the one I did my internship. The facility has a much higher reputation for quality than my current place. I didn't even hesitate after I heard about it before updating my resume and writing a cover letter. The job hadn't even officially posted yet, and I had already sent an inquiry to the head of the department. The hours are the same as my current position (not ideal but bearable still), it's still with dementia (which I really do love actually), but it's a little further away. I can deal with distance in exchange for job satisfaction.  I could stick it out in my current location and just wish it would get better. Wishing for more compassionate staff, a greater level of caring. I could continue dredging it out... meandering on my way, just waiting for things to change so I could be proud of the job I have. There are a lot of negatives in life. But I can't wish for change, I have to make it happen. I have to choose to take control, give myself permission to jump and hope I can fly. I have an interview on Thursday. If it goes well, I could be looking at a whole new perspective with the cooperation and support to really live up to my potential as a MT. I could be looking at the possibility of diving into a new position with all new staff and residents very soon.  I am simultaneously nervous/scared and hopeful all at once.

"In this world there's a whole lot of golden, in this world there's a whole lot of plain
In this world you've a soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon, rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given, why walk when you can fly?"

This is me aiming for flight. I don't want to just walk... just get by. I want to fly, I want to be proud and satisfied with what I am doing and where I'm doing it. We only get this one life... why walk when you can fly?

I also have a tumblr site

No lyrics because I am posting from a new work assigned iPad and don't know how to get the music notes with it. Just a short entry to say I have a tumblr account, too. I typically post relevant research and links to really great MT bloggers that I enjoy reading. So if you are interested in following me there check it out: http://simplesongbird.tumblr.com

♪♫No more lives torn apart, and time would heal all hearts, and everyone would have a friend♫♪

A seasonally appropriate blog today. The song is My Grown Up Christmas List written by David Foster and Linda Thompson-Jenner. It has been recorded by several artists including Amy Grant and Kelly Clarkson. This is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I think it's an interesting concept and well put together. Here are the lyrics:

My Grown Up Christmas List
Do you remember me? I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies.
Well, I'm all grown-up now,and still need help somehow.
I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream.

So here's my lifelong wish, my grown-up christmas list,
Not for myself, but for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

As children we believed the grandest sight to see
Was something lovely wrapped beneath our tree.
Well heaven surely knows that packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.
There'd be

No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend, and right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

There are a few lines that always stand out to me: No more lives torn apart- I know many people who have had a rough year or a rough lifetime. That have had their lives completely torn to pieces. They persist but as much as we'd like it to time does not heal all the wounds of ailing souls. Everyone would have a friend - a real friend. That every person would have someone to confide in, to trust, and that the friendship was reciprocated. Not a "meantime" friendship or a friend of convenience but a real true friend.

I like to use this song to do songwriting this time of year using lyric substitution. It's really neat to hear what my residents put on their list. What's on your grown-up Christmas list?

To Men: Date a girl who reads...

I read this today and thought I'd share it. I didn't write it. There is no catchy song title to this post. Just simply what the author of this says... date a girl who reads.

A GIRL YOU SHOULD DATE

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

– Rosemarie Urquico –

♪♫I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace, and my wounds, they will heal♫♪

The lyrics are from The Voice by Celtic Woman. The song was recommended to me by a friend. They suggested it and I listened to it and found the song incredibly beautiful.  Bear with me because I am going to share the lyrics in their entirety now.

The Voice - Celtic Woman

I hear your voice on the wind, And I hear you call out my name
"Listen, my child," you say to me. "I am the voice of your history. 
Be not afraid, come follow me. Answer my call, and I'll set you free."

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain. 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain.
I am the voice that always is calling you.
I am the voice, I will remain.

I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone, 
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep throughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow.

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace,
Bring me your peace, and my wounds  they will heal.

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain, 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you, I am the voice.

I am the voice of the past that will always be, 
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future, I am the voice, I am the voice. 

I would strongly recommend looking it up on youtube or iTunes. The vocals are incredible and the song is enchanting.   Aside from really liking this song, the lines I chose as the subject line just struck a particular chord with me. I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace and my wounds they will heal.  They say time heals all wounds, or at least lessens their influence on our lives. Something I am constantly working towards... healing past wounds and looking to the future.

I wore my Cruella costume with full make-up to work on Monday for Halloween. It's always entertaining to dress up in costume when you work on a memory care floor. I got some very odd comments ranging from "You look really weird" to "That is a beautiful red coat, you should wear it more often" and "You look just lovely today dear." Trust me if saw the pictures you'd be laughing at the last two. It made for a very interesting and humorous day.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. The cold I've been fighting off for the last month hit full force today though. I woke up with really bad chest congestion, runny nose, and sore throat. Been battling it with drugs, Emergen-C, and organic throat teas. Hoping it doesn't last long, though many people I know who've gotten sick have complained that the symptoms persist for several weeks. I can't afford to be sick for several weeks, especially if my voice gets involved. So far though I have some soreness and I sound congested, my singing voice has not been impacted. The plan is to take it easy for the weekend and try to use my voice only when necessary this week. I'm in a concert next Sunday and I need to be able to sing for that.

I spent today doing massive updates to my computer. As I write this my computer is running much more efficiently now and Safari is actually working well for the first time in a long while. I upgraded my operating system from OS 10.4 to OS 10.6 Snow Leopard. Then I did software updates that took 2 hours to install. Then I upgrade my iMovie from v.6 to v.11 for the DVD project that I am working on for my resident who passed last week. I am still planning to upgrade Garage band and iPhoto so that I have the full iLife 11. So far I have had no problems with it and everything is running well. Hopefully it continues to do so. Looking forward to working on the DVD project now. I just need to figure out how to actually work iMovie 11. It's quite a bit different from iMovie 6.

To bring it full circle, I must once again recommend that everyone go listen to the song The Voice by Celtic Woman. Beautiful.

♪♫Around the Corner and Under the Tree♫♪

I wish I could give a definite credit to the song line above. But alas I cannot. The history of the song is fairly unknown. There are children's folk songs and a few adapted versions throughout history, but the origin is said to have been sometime around World War I. The specific version I'm quoting here is from a resident of mine. She has been, hands down, my favorite resident since I began my job just over a year ago. She was an ideal client for music therapy. After a session she once told me that she loved when we brought her music because it gave her life purpose and meaning. She would often sit and sing this little song to herself or to anyone who would listen, "Around the Corner, and under the tree. The Gallant Major made love to me. I said nay nay, I said No No, but ever since I've been there once I always want to go, Around the corner..." She also once told me that she liked music so much because it was her, "special friend that never left [her] lonely." She demonstrated this on a daily basis. Rarely was she silent, and every time she spoke she sang. Her song ended tonight. She left our world and finally was released home to God.  I'm sure she's already acclimated herself to the choirs of angels and is singing along in their celestial harmonies by now. Moments like this are the most difficult parts of my job. Very rarely do people leave alive... most of the time we escort them out in a generic black bag. People leave footprints on our hearts. This resident has left some very deep ones on mine. Over the past week as she began to decline there were many 1:1 sessions/visits with her since when she was most uncomfortable and agitated, music was the only thing that could calm her down and help her sleep. Tonight I came back from my dinner break just in time to experience her releasing her final breath. It's probably only fitting that she is the first resident to pass while I'm present in the room.  Knowing it's coming does not really make it easier. I grieve for her, and I know that her absence will be felt in my music groups the rest of this week and in the foreseeable future. I am sad, though I know she is happier now she is free of this world and her struggles within it. I grieve for the loss. But, my reality is my residents are not going to leave the building alive. We are their final stop before their eternity. When I am no longer affected by the loss of those I serve, then I no longer belong in the profession. It's sad to think that I won't hear her voice in the halls chirping out the words "Around the Corner..." She lived a good and long life and will forever hold a special place in my heart... around the corner and under a tree.

Since I last wrote many things have happened. I finally bought myself a more reliable vehicle, though I had to add another loan payment. It's not new, it's used, and the payment is minor. So far that has proved to be a good decision as I have put 4000 miles on the vehicle since I purchased it in September and it is still going strong. Many of that 4000 miles put on in under a month came from a little road trip. I used my scholarship award from AMTA to go to the NMT training institute in Fort Collins, CO from October 6 through the 9th. I'm now a certified Neurologic Music Therapist in addition to my MT-BC.  Least favorite part about the trip: driving through Nebraska. Nebraska is boring. Favorite part: realizing how much I was already doing and then having the tools to analyze whether or not what I'm doing is effective and really understanding why I do those things and why they work. It was an excellent experience and I met some great contacts. I would love to do the graduate program at Colorado State University should I ever go back to school. I love the scientific theory behind all of it. Someday, maybe.

Halloween is coming up and I'm in full costume planning mode. The nice thing about the setting I work in, is that costumes are encouraged. I love an excuse to dress up and I always go all out.  This year I'm going as Cruella DeVil. I even found an online tutorial on how to do my makeup to look like Cartoon Cruella's. Hopefully it turns out as awesome as I want it to.

I'm working on taking it easy this week, as I seem to be coming down with something. My throat has been getting sore in the mid afternoon to evenings the past two days. Part of it is probably linked to the emotion of the passing of my above resident. But, I'm not taking chances. Been taking Vitamin C and drinking my Emergen-C. Thank you to my few but loyal readers for taking the time to read about my resident and to honor her memory with me simply by being present in this forum. Good night everyone.